What I've learned from driving a 14 year old boy to hockey practice

1. 14-year olds are insanely frustrating. Perhaps they should all be quarantined until further mental development is achieved.

2.

I give up, California

I've tried and I've tried to write about my trip to California. From the moderate amount of time there, I formed some very strong opinions, but I haven't been able to express them clearly. Then I thought, fuck it, I'm lazy, let's go on Youtube.

Let's allow some music written about SF and LA to speak for itself. Feel free (to all .5 of you that read this) to point out that I picked songs which validate my point, being that SF WAS the bastion of enlightened American life. That was many lifetimes ago and what is left is a city that prides itself on being better than every other city (especially LA), but which embodies just as much superficiality and wealth. Where LA has Maserati's and small dogs in Fendi bags (or whatever's trendy. If it's not from Village de Valeur, I don't know it), SF has trips to study meditation in Burma and small dogs in Lululemon bags. Both lifestyles are in the same economic bracket, and I can promise you no one in SF lives in a mansion because they recycled enough cans to live in Russian Hill. LA can be gross, but it doesn't pretend to be anything other than that, and I appreciate a city that recognizes it faults and just rolls with it. Quite literally, as I believe cars outnumber people.

San Francisco:



[Though this dude has an AMAZING mustache. Points for that]




Los Angeles: (for the record, LA radio stations overdo this very exercise by playing ONLY songs which mention LA in the lyrics, most frequently "LA Woman" by The Doors. I refuse to post that since I think it might negate my "cool" argument)

Ok, Let's Get These States Over With

Idaho

Never before have I been so bored in a state. Never. And I’ve been to Ohio (zing!). Boise is surrounded by mountains, but everything looks like sprawl. It’s like a town that people got lost in on their way to somewhere else. Or like that town in “Silent Hill”, where you keep trying to leave but every time you take the road out of town you’re back in Boise again. Maybe Boise is someone’s purgatory come to life. A place there the town is slowly taking pieces of your soul until one day, you forget how you ever got there or where you are going.

Also surprising was that, after years of being and on-off smoker (though that whole hippie yoga shit has made me far more of an off in the last 6 mos), being in bars that allow smoking was actually totally disgusting.

Way to go, Idaho. One of, like. 6 states that still allows smoking. And you’re not even in the south!

Moving on.

Utah, or, where the Mormons roam

Salt Lake City, you caught me by surprise. Here I was, thinking I could just make a few cheap quips about Mormons and mountains, and I’d be done. But you’re proving to be a formidable force against my total snark.

Well, not completely. You did get us stuck in traffic as soon as we hit the city. Imagine my delight that the reason for this traffic was because church has just let out from the Joseph Smith giant Vatican-esque center. How can I NOT make jokes? And it’s true, many of your resident do attend BYU, where they are not allowed to grow beards and seem to have married young to avoid that whole “sex before marriage” clause. But they are polite, and seemingly genuine. And the city actually has some vintage stores, a tattoo parlor, and many many Mexican taco carts, AKA, you have a population of hipsters somewhere, and for that I applaud you.

And most importantly, Utah, you are actually really gorgeous. No wonder Sundance is held in your snowy bosom. Which is an apt phrasing, as you are full of snow covered hills.

I’ll even forgive you making me re-live my winter nightmares because you did it with such grace.

And of course, you do have THUNDER SNOW.

Wyoming

Once when I was at Interlochen Arts Academy summer camp, I made a very dear friend named Emily. She was from Jackson Hole, Wyoming and we were the best of pals. I was a sheltered weirdo from the Midwest, and she was a wild child who talked about sex and drugs, and I’m pretty sure that summer was the first time I’d ever kissed a boy (let’s not talk about how old I was), so I was both in awe and utterly terrified of her. In retrospect, maybe all her stories weren’t exactly honest, but it was camp. You could be whoever you wanted to be. Then camp ended and we were sad so I planned to go visit her, but backed out because at that point in my life, travel seemed overwhelming. So in conclusion, Wyoming, with your snow storm held-over from Utah and your ranches next to the highway and your hills and plains, you will always have a special place in my heart.

Colorado

I knew someone who used to complain about how flat Michigan was, and I just assumed he was some kind of Western elitist. Alas, no, he was telling the truth. Denver specifically is surrounded by the Rocky Mountains, which are probably pretty nice if you’re closer to them.

I saw about 3 blocks of Denver, so I can’t even pretend to judge it. I was excited that, unlike that last few towns we’ve rolled up to, there is actually a “downtown”. Skyscrapers! Also, Broncos? That’ll do, Colorado. That’ll do.